November 2020 – rachel hall

Growing up, I was one of those kids who was strangely attached to certain objects. At first, it seemed normal, like stuffed animals and dolls. But as I grew older, and was introduced to the world of scented hand sanitizers, it was clear that I wasn’t just a fan of certain brands and products, I was a collector.

I remember very clearly, my mom asking me for some hand sanitizer, from Bath and Body Works of course, and counting the number of drops I would give her, because according to my research, the black caps were limited edition. They were in the original packaging and everything. I still have some left.

This also became a problem with stickers. And chapstick. And many more things I just won’t get into because the list would go on forever.

But what exactly is the point of collecting things if you aren’t using them?

This was something that my mother would ask me often, but as a young child, I again did not want to imagine the worst thing that could happen to me: my hand sanitizer being empty. Or even worse: having to throw it away.

You would think I would outgrow my collecting phase eventually, at least my parents sure hoped so. But I must admit, I still am very much a collector.

However, I am more open to sharing now. To use things up. To give things away. To throw things away when I’m all done with it.

And this was because of the power of the list.

Yes. I am serious.

It once again started with Bath and Body Works. I tend to get their stuff during their Semi-Annual Sale that is twice a year. It can bring 15 dollar products down to 2 dollars (and I’m sure as hell not paying 20 dollars for a candle.) Once I realized their sale wasn’t just a day, or even a week, but a whole entire month, I began to write down how much of certain products I had. This list began to be known as, “the stock,” which resides in the back of my planner.

Once I realized how satisfying it was to write everything down, seeing what type of products I needed more of, and what I definitely didn’t (looking at you body lotions), I began adding lists to everything else I collected often, and began my plan of what is now commonly known as Project Pan.

From what I know of, Project Pan originated from the beauty community. As beauty gurus and skin care lovers were constantly shilling products, consumers fell for it. Because their internet favs had a makeup cabinet for just their eyeshadow palettes, well of course they had to have one too. But unfortunately for consumers, it became clear that they really did not need that many items and there was no way they could use them all. So, people made a trend of using products until they were empty and making weekly, monthly or even yearly goals. They would then post what they used up and make a new goal.

One of my biggest collections was my scented hand sanitizer. So I started there once I went to community college. It was very easy to do, seeing as my campus was definitely not clean enough by my standards, so I started with using and sharing it. It became even easier once COVID started, and sellers were price gouging hand sanitizer up to 70 dollars online. I gave some to everyone I knew, and definitely used mine more often. And of course, if my hands got too dry from obsessively sanitizing my hands, I would use lotion.

What my, “stock,” made me realize very quickly was two things:

How many items I truly had and needed to use.
How quickly I would use certain items I owned.

For example, I tend to finish body wash after one to two months. However, it takes me longer to use lotion. This dilemma made me have to use problem solving skills, which I think no matter the situation, can be an important tool to have. So, I decided to stock up on body wash more than lotion, and use lotion every night during my night time routine.

What my lists also made me realize is what I needed to do more of and what I needed to do less of.

In regards to books, I need to stop falling for those book sales and finish reading the books I ACTUALLY OWN first. (I say as I look at Black Friday deals online.) I need to stop buying thrillers, even if they are good books, if they make me go into reading slumps because of the disturbing content within them. I need to stop buying books that involve witchcraft or magic. (Yes i read Harry Potter as a kid, no I never got over my witchy phase.)

I must admit, even with my harsh critiques over the United States and capitalism, I too cannot resist a good deal at times. It’s hard to shop ethically and minimalistically when nothing about the United States and their corporations are either of those things. But, if you are mindful about it, have a list for it, at least you are more aware of it.

If you look at my blog posts you’ll notice that my last post was in June. I don’t have a big following on here, or really anywhere for that matter, but for my own conscious I’d like to explain why.

It all started once I joined the online book community. I came in with fresh eyes, expecting that I would be able to share my love for reading and writing and the likes. As I continued on though, it became clear that people would take other book preferences and would rip others to shreds just to get a quick following.

It became worse as time continued on, especially once COVID wasn’t just “fake news,” anymore and people all over the world had to quarantine. The kicker was, when our voices actually mattered, people stayed silent. Stayed silent on Black Lives Matter. Stayed silent on transphobia. Stayed silent on homophobia. Stayed silent on the Trump administration. Stayed silent on so many things that the books we read taught us to fight against.

At the time I felt hopeless. Why is it that so many people are failing at the bare minimum? How hard is it to post some information on these issues? How hard is it to retweet an article?

It was even more exhausting to hear some of these influencer’s excuses. Every day it seemed, the reasoning was worse than the next. I still remember once a bookstagramer saying that having BLM information didn’t fit the “aesthetic,” of their posts.

As time continued I became more aggressive on these issues and day by day, read less, blogged less, and focused more on human rights, especially disabled rights, on social media. I was determined to do everything I could to get Trump out of the White House, even if there was a large possibility he’d get four more years. Even though Biden won, I still hope that we, as people, can continue to call our political leaders out, and not reduce them to the idea that they’re better than the guy we had before.

Now, I realize, as a white woman, there is still much I have to learn in regards to many issues. I do not believe I am some white savior, ready to save the world by doing the bare minimum. But I am happy to learn everyday, and that I shall continue to do.

It became apparent to me then, as I scrolled day after day, week after week, how exhausted I felt reading about author after author, influencer after influencer make manifestos of their hatred or apologies on their iPhone Notes app. Overtime, I didn’t really see the point in the book community, and even books themselves. My passion was dwindling as the world around me became more and more corrupt by the day.

So…I took a break.

Granted, it was a lot longer than I expected, but then again a lot of the events we are experiencing were either deemed impossible or a short inconvenience at the time.

What brought me back though was once Biden won. Now of course, I am aware that things aren’t just going to be rainbows and sparkles and unicorns. The United States, from the very beginning, was as corrupt as they come, and continues to be so. But I think I felt a weight was off my shoulders in the sense that there was hope for at least change. My only fear now is that the change will not be big enough and we as a country are doomed to repeat ourselves.

At my prime though, I was posting around once a week, maybe once every other week. And I hope, since I have this semester off, I can write and read again once more. After all, I am an English Major. Unfortunately, I will have to dig deep and see if there are book influencers who, despite their good nature and content, I may have to unfollow. I too, am a victim of comparing myself to others, which can lead to my number one fear as a reader: a reading slump.

Hopefully as I come back to blogging I will get my confidence back with it. I meant to post this Friday, which is my usual updating day, and ripped myself to shreds when that didn’t work out. I even lost sleep over posting ideas, so you can say I am very much excited to be writing again. What I’ve been writing lately has been essay after essay in the same format, with the approval and stylistic choices of professor after professor, so I’m happy to do things my way.